


Pity the living

by izzy_the_scorpio



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Bad Albus Dumbledore, Canonical Character Death, Depression, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin introspection, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27749026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzy_the_scorpio/pseuds/izzy_the_scorpio
Summary: When Sirius gets taken to Azkaban, Remus realizes that he's not only grieving the dead.
Relationships: James/Lily, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 8





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I saw a video once where someone mentioned that the prank Sirius pulled during sixth year would have dramatically affected how Remus reacted to his "betrayal" and I thought it was a really interesting thought, so this fic is basically exploring that concept a bit.

1\. Denial

Sirius Black did not betray them. That one sentence chased itself around and around Remus’s mind, leaving no room for anything else. He slammed the door to his flat, pacing back and forth across the hallway, his boots thumping on the hardwood. Sirius would never do something like this, he was their best friend. He was Remus’s… well. More then that. He would never do something so deceitful, so disgusting. He would never do anything to harm them.

“But the prank during sixth year…” a voice in his head whispered. “You didn’t believe he would do something like that either, yet here we are.”

“Shut up.” Remus snapped into the empty air. They were children then. And Sirius had been reckless, but he changed.

"Did he though?" The voice asked. 

He stalked through the hallway into the living room and threw himself heavily into the armchair. The same room that he and Sirius had exchanged tired smiles not even a week before, where they had laughed and cried, and now. Now he was being hauled off the Azkaban. This was all wrong. And now Peter was dead, and Lily, and James.

Tears burned the back of his eyes and he blinked them away harshly. Now was not the time for hysterics, he had to get himself under control. He took multiple deep breaths, praying that maybe this is all a bad dream, that at any second Sirius would shake him awake, telling him to hurry before they were late to their visit with the Potters.

Of course that didn't happen. As visions of his dead friends flashed through his head, he stood up again and walked to the kitchen. His hands shook as he busied himself making a cup of tea. He needed to think this through, but he was struggling to form a complete thought, let alone get multiple of them in order.

James and Lily couldn’t be dead. They were too young, too in love, too everything. No matter how long they were stuck in that damn house, they still had that spark that made them Lily and James. Remus's thoughts drifted to Peter. This war has been hard on all of them, but Peter continued to pull away, retreating in a fashion that Remus hadn’t seen since second year.

And Sirius. God. Sirius was the only thing keeping Remus together. The only one who could pull him out of his head, and now he was being thrown in prison.

The screech of the kettle pulled Remus out of his spiral. He grabbed a mug out of the cabinet, not looking at it until he filled it up, but when he did he almost dropped it. It was the mug Sirius got him for his last birthday. It had a cartoon of a werewolf on it, wearing a sweater.

Remus recalled the proud smile Sirius wore when he presented it to him that day, beaming when he pulled it out of the wrapping.

“Look! It’s you Moons!” He had sung, and Remus just laughed, promising that he would only use that mug from now on. Sirius had kissed him, and they spent the rest of the day in their own little world, able to pretend like the war wasn’t going on for just one day. Now that memory was tainted by what Remus knew. He should have known that anything good he was given would never last. Remus Lupin was not born to be happy.

A weight settled in his gut, and the longer he looked at the mug the closer he came to breaking down entirely. Suddenly Remus wasn’t in the mood for tea. He threw the drink down the drain and winced at the clatter the mug made when he tossed it into the sink. Suddenly exhausted, he decided to go to bed. He could figure the rest out tomorrow.

He fell into bed, not even bothering to change out of his regular clothes. As he drifted off, his thoughts returned to Lily and James. How alone they must have felt in that house by the end, how isolated. How worried they were for Harry.

Harry! Remus bolted upright in bed. What the hell happened to Harry?


	2. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't like Dumbledore, he manipulates every situation so the outcome benefits him

2\. Anger

Remus stalked into Albus Dumbledore’s office, face pale and hands shaking. Dumbledore glanced up from the parchment he was studying.

“Ah. Mr. Lupin. I’ve been expecting you, please have a seat.” He gestured to the chair in front of his desk.

Remus stalked past the chair, instead pacing in front of the fireplace. “Where is Harry?” He asked, skipping the pleasantries.

“First let me offer my condolences, I know this must be hard-“ Albus started.

“I don’t need your fucking condolences. I need to know where my best friend’s son is.” Remus ground out. He had enough with everyone’s apologies, nothing they said would make any part of the situation easier.

Dumbledore sighed. “Harry is safe. I made sure of it.”

Remus took a deep breath to steady himself, still pacing. “I appreciate that, but I would like to know specifically where he is.” He stated.

“I promise Remus, it’s taken care of. You don’t need to worry about it.” Albus replied dismissively.

Remus stared at him, speechless, as Dumbledore returned to the parchment.

“All due respect, sir,” Remus started through gritted teeth, “but I have been there since Harry was born. He had no one left that I can think of, so as the last living person who seems to give a damn about him,” here Remus winced as he recalled the broom Sirius had given Harry for his first birthday. Clearing his throat, he continued on, “As the last living person who gives a damn about him, I demand to know where he is. Or I swear to God I will knock on every door in London until I find him.”

Albus studied Remus as he stood in front of his fireplace, took in the disheveled appearance of his clothes and the absolutely broken yet determined look on his face. And he took pity on him.

“Harry has been placed with Mrs. Evans sister, where I assure you-“

“YOU PLACED MY BEST FRIENDS SON WITH PETUNIA DURSLEY?” Remus exploded, and for a second Albus swore he could see a bit of the beast Remus was so ashamed of come out.

“Yes. It is the best place for him I assure you.” Albus said, quietly yet firmly.

“How could you, that woman, the things she stands for, the things she’s done to _Lily_ , I-“ Remus spluttered at an utter loss for words. Fury rolled through him in red hot waves, and he wanted nothing more then to destroy everything in the office. He settled for kicking over the chair he was offered, eyes flashing.

The clatter as it hit the wall echoed through the room as Remus slowly turned towards the desk. “I am the closest thing Harry has to a loving family.” Remus hissed. “If he should be placed with anyone it should be me.” Remus stepped back to apparate, intent on going directly to the Dursley’s house, but Dumbledore’s low voice stopped him in his tracks.

“If you were truly the best option, I assure you I would have placed him with you Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore stated.

“What are you talking about?” Remus asked, head still clouded with emotions.

"Do you truly believe you could care for the boy? With your…condition?” Albus started. He rose from his chair and placed his hands on the desk. “Every month having to leave him behind? He is an infant. You are in no state to take care of a child. This I firmly believe.”

The rock-hard resolve hit Remus in the chest like a hammer. Visions of his mother cowering in fear the first time he turned, of Sirius clutching a broken arm one night after a full moon, of the hundreds of nameless and faceless people calling for the death of people like him. The night he almost killed Severus. And Severus had been a fully functioning teenager.

All the fight left Remus at once. Albus watched with a small bit of satisfaction as he seemed to cave into himself, knowing he had won.

“I- I suppose you’re right.” Remus whispered, staring at his feet.

“I hope you know I am sincerely sorry for your loss Mr. Lupin. I wish things were different.” With that Albus returned to his parchment, a clear dismissal.

Remus stepped back and turned, and with a crack found him standing in his bedroom. His gaze locked on the framed picture of him and Sirius, and suddenly all the fury rushed back.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.” Remus screamed as he threw the picture to the floor. “ALL OF IT.” Glass crushed underfoot as he stalked across the room, to where Sirius’s things sat on the dresser. He threw the brush, taking satisfaction in the way it cracked into the wall. With one sweep he knocked everything onto the floor, the glass bottle of cologne that was a gift from Sirius crashed to the floor, the scent permeating the room.

“Lily, James,” he huffed as he started tearing Sirius’s clothes out of the closet, throwing them in a hurricane around the room. “Peter, now Harry! And what about me?” his voice cracking on the last word. With the closet destroyed he whipped around, searching for anything else breakable.

His eyes lighted upon the scrapbook on the desk, the one he was planning on giving to Sirius for his birthday, just three days after this whole tragedy started. He walked towards it and seized it, tearing out the pages furiously.

Finally, the book was just the cover, empty inside. Fitting metaphor, Remus thought sarcastically. He glanced to the floor, finding a picture of him and Sirius that survived the rampage. He bent down to rip it up when he glanced at the back.

“79’ Remus and Sirius.” Below the date was an inscription, “To my love, Remus. As long as we have each other, we will survive.”

Remus sunk to his knees, staring at the picture. “What about me?” he whispered brokenly, and he started to sob. He woke up the next morning in the same position, picture clutched in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment! also I like the parallel between Remus yelling at Dumbledore in a similar fashion as Harry in fifth year, it seemed fitting


	3. Bargaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always hear about Remus's relationship with Sirius, but never much about him and James and Lily. I like to think that Remus and Lily were as close as James and Sirius were.

3\. Bargaining

The funeral of James and Lily Potter was a quiet affair. Remus stood in the very back of the group gathered in Godric’s Hollow, surveying the faces, yet he recognized none. Petunia Dursley had arranged the funeral, much to the shock of Remus.

The sky was grey that morning, threatening to rain, yet holding off. Remus was dressed in black dress robes, a frown permanently etched into his face.

He sat, numb, as people gave their eulogies. He didn’t hear any of it. These people knew nothing about Lily and James. They will never truly know how James faced death wandless, so his son and wife could have a chance at escaping. They would never know how Lily had made him feel human when Remus thought he was anything but. They would never know how they were two of the best people Remus ever met. That fact settled on his chest, a burden he would carry for the rest of his life.

He didn’t realize he was crying until the tears dripped on his hands, and suddenly it was his turn to read his eulogy. He had asked Petunia to let him speak, as her disgusted look cut him to the bone.

“And who are you?” She had asked earlier, when he had asked to speak before the funeral.

“I’m Remus Lupin, I was James and Lily’s friend-“

“God. You’re like them. A freak.” She muttered.

Remus didn’t deny it. A look of surprise crossed her face at his silent acquiesce, but it was gone just as quickly. “Fine. But it better be fast.” She had spat before stalking off.

Pleasant woman. As she retreated, all Remus could think about was Harry. How Harry was stuck with that woman. But she couldn’t be worse then having to live with Remus. She would at least provide him with the things he needs, and his life wouldn’t be in danger. This thought kept him from running after her and demanding that she hand over Harry. The truth would not come out for seventeen more years, but Remus had no way of knowing that.

He slowly made his way to the front, stopping by the burial plot. He cleared his throat, taking out the wrinkled piece of paper he had hunched over for hours last night out of his pocket.

“I’m Remus Lupin. James and Lily were my best friends, and I like to think I was theirs.” He began. “James was one of the first people I met at…school.” He stopped himself from saying Hogwarts, realizing the crowd was mostly muggles. “I don’t think he knew this, but he saved my life. He was one of the greatest men I ever knew, and he didn’t deserve to die.” Remus throat was starting to close, and he took a minute to compose himself. “And Lily, Lily was a beautiful soul. She- she saw the good in me when I thought there was none.”

Petunia shuffled in her seat, looking uncomfortable.

“Every day since they passed, I wonder if I could have done anything differently. Maybe if I had visited them that day, or if I had… I don’t know, been less selfish. Maybe they would still be here.” Fresh tears burned his eyes. “But I was. Selfish that is. And now they’re gone. And all I can say is Lily, James,” Here he turned to the headstones. “You deserve so much more then the lot you were given in life. I love you both, and I hope that I was able to help you half as much in life as you helped me. You were, and are everything to me and I hope you’re happy and together wherever you are.” A sob choked Remus and he practically fled to his seat.

After that, the funeral dispersed quickly, Petunia one of the first to leave. Remus found himself alone by the plots. He walked to them and just stood in silence for a long time.

“Please, just let the pain stop.” He whispered after a while. “I would give anything to just stop _feeling._ ” He wasn’t sure who he was talking to, but he supposed it didn’t matter. Thoughts of James and Lily, Harry and Peter and Sirius, every single person he had, gone in a matter of days. The grief brought him to his knees.

“You deserve this pain.” A vicious voice in his head whispered, and he was gutted by the fact that it sounded strangely like Sirius. “Why do you get to live while everyone else suffers? You are nothing special Remus Lupin. It should have been you.”

Remus only had the energy to silently agree.


	4. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely have a lot of experience with functional depression, but of course it looks different for everyone. I hope i was able to write it in a way that made sense.

4\. Depression

The next six months passed in a haze of full moons and sleep. The only time Remus left the house was to transform, and as soon as he got back, he would down a dreamless sleep potion. He had been abusing them so much they were starting to lose their effect.

Remus felt numb. He supposed his pleas at the Potter’s funeral were granted after all, but the thought brought him little comfort. The days blended together, and he realized he was forgetting to eat most of the time. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. It wasn’t until his landlord almost knocked down his door demanding rent he didn’t have, that he realized he was going to have to get a job. It took him another landlord visit and three more days until he was able to coax himself out of bed.

Remus took a quick shower, and threw on a coat, not bothering to eat breakfast. He apparated to Diagon Alley and headed to a new apothecary he had heard about months ago, who was supposedly hiring.

The door chimed as he trudged in, and the shopkeeper glanced up.

“Good morning!” they chirped, their high voice already grating on Remus’s nerves.

Nevertheless, Remus wrestled some semblance of a smile onto his face. “Hi, I was wondering if you were hiring?” Getting that sentence out alone was exhausting.

The shopkeeper looked up again, a response on the tip of their tongue when they paused. Stared.

Remus, uncomfortable, shifted his weight back and forth.

“I know you from somewhere…” the shopkeeper mumbled.

“Look, are you hiring or not?” Remus snapped, fed up.

“You’re Sirius Black's whore.” The shopkeeper said suddenly, all friendliness gone from their face.

The words hit Remus like a slap in the face. “Excuse me?” he breathed.

“You shacked up with the filthy blood traitor. Oh yes, I heard the rumors. And I know all about _you_.” the shopkeeper spat their words like venom, acid dripping through their teeth. “We don’t hire filth like you.”

Utterly taken aback, all Remus could do was stand in shock.

“Now get out of my shop.” The shopkeeper hissed.

Remus’s legs carried him through the door before his brain could even catch up. As he stood outside, he braced himself for the onslaught of pain that usually accompanies personal attacks such as that one. But nothing came. Instead, waves of apathy rolled off Remus. He simply did not care anymore. What did he expect at this point? There was simply nothing to be done. Sirius had ruined everyone's lives. He deserved it, anyhow. Of course he did. 

Remus apparated back to his apartment, and barely had his coat off when someone knocked on his apartment door. “This is it; you’re getting kicked out.” Remus thought. He was able to muster up a little concern, but not much else. He swung the door open, “Sir-“ he started, not sure what the next sentence out of his mouth would be.

“Mr. Lupin, I’m just here to tell you that your rent has been paid in full for the next three months.” His landlord interrupted primly.

Remus stared. He felt like everything around him was moving so fast, or maybe he has just been moving at half speed. Nothing was making sense anymore. “What are you talking about?” he asked.

“A check was sent in for you earlier today. Under the name McGonagall? Anyways, that’s all I needed, have a good day.” With a nod the landlord ambled back down the hallway. Remus thought that he should really learn his name one of these days.

“Fucking McGonagall.” Remus whispered as he slowly closed the door. He sighed, leaning his head on the door, and suddenly felt so, so heavy. He couldn’t even pay his own rent. He should be happy that he wasn't getting kicked out, but all he felt was pools of self hatred settling in his chest. Jesus he was a mess. The thought of writing McGonagall a thank you letter seemed a herculean task, and frankly he was a little embarrassed. He made his way slowly down the hallway and collapsed into bed.

He downed a dreamless sleep, and as he drifted off his thoughts returned as they usually did to James and Lily, then of course Sirius. He fell asleep with sticky tears drying on his face, the words “Sirius Black’s whore” ringing in his ears.


	5. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I was going to upload this a day ago but I got an awful haircut and had to spend two days fixing it, but the fic is finsihed!

5\. Acceptance

Remus stood up from the table, setting the cup down with a few dregs of tea left in it. “Thank you, Prof- I mean, Minerva.” Remus said a bit awkwardly.

She smiled and set her cup down too, grabbing her cloak as they both head to the door of the café.

Meeting McGonagall for tea had become a monthly occurrence for Remus, ever since she practically busted down his door five months ago. Somehow, she learned that he was being practically spat at every time he went job hunting, and decided it was time for her to intervene.

He recalled that day as they stepped onto the busy street. He had still been stuck in bed when he heard pounding at the door. He groaned and stuck his head under his pillow. It wasn’t until he heard the distinct voice of Minerva McGonagall yelling at him that he sprung up, heading towards the door. Out of all the things he had lost, respect for his professor was not one of them.

When he finally wrenched the door open, Minerva brushed past him into the apartment, bustling around and cleaning like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Uh Professor,” Remus started tiredly, already wondering if she would be staying long so he could get back to bed. “It’s not like I don’t appreciate the visit, but-”

“I’ve heard you have had trouble getting a job.” McGonagall said, cleanly cutting him off.

“Well, yes,” Remus spluttered, wondering how she knew that, “but-“

“I’ve found you one. At the new herbology shop that opened near Zonkos. I know the owner, and I can assure you there will be no disgusting bigotry or hatred for you to deal with.” She said vehemently.

Remus stood in shock. He quickly shook himself out of it and frowned. “Professor, of course I appreciate it, but I don’t need a pity job. I’m sure I can sort it out myself, you don’t need to worry yourself by helping me.”

McGonagall regarded him silently for a minute. “Mr. Lupin.” She started. “You have been through a great personal tragedy. We all have. The Potters and Mr. B-“ she cleared her throat. “Mr. Black meant a great deal to the both of us.” Her eyes watered, but in true McGonagall fashion she quickly pulled herself together. “I would offer my condolences, but I fear they would do nothing but agitate you. Now this is not a pity job. This is simply me doing a favor for someone I hold a great deal of respect for, and frankly deserves a little assistance right now. Honestly, It would be a bit insulting for you to deny me.”

Remus felt himself getting choked up. He thought he had lost everyone who has ever cared for him, but here McGonagall was, proving him wrong. “Thank you.” He gasped and turned away embarrassed as tears filled his eyes.

McGonagall turned away, artfully straightening a painting as she allowed him to collect himself. “Of course.” She said after a minute. “You start next week. I just wanted to stop by and let you know. Meet me at the café by Madame Malkins tomorrow, and we can sort out the details.” She winked and pulled Remus into a quick hug, which was equal parts awkward and comforting, and swept out of the door.

McGonagall's tough love act was exactly what Remus needed. He didn't need people sniffling over how terrible his life was, he just needed someone that _understood_. Someone that cared enough to _help._ That one meeting over tea turned into a monthly occasion, Remus and McGonagall would meet and just chat about anything. Sometimes Remus would talk about James and Lily, but more often he didn’t, just speaking about work and other things going on. Remus never talked about Sirius, and McGonagall had enough tact to not bring him up. The meetings were good for Remus, who was beginning to get back on his feet. He was able to pay his rent on time, and the full moons were bearable now that he discovered the Wolfsbane potion.

He still couldn’t think about James or Lily too long, or he would start crying. But he was able to look back on their memories with fondness. He was even beginning to do the same with the memories of him and Sirius. There were days where he still couldn’t get out of bed, the grief an all-consuming weight. Days where he felt like the world was going to swallow him whole. But those days were occurring less and less.

As Remus and McGonagall bid farewell and parted ways, Remus took a deep breath. He was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you guys would want me to write a second part from Sirius's POV as he goes through the stages of grief as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is my first fic, any comments would be appreciated


End file.
